THE ORDER OF THINGS! It's More Important Than We Realize

When I was younger, I loved jigsaw puzzles. I loved the challenge of figuring out how to put each piece in its proper place until it's original design was revealed. Every piece had a place and a fit. Also, depending on which pieces you started out with, the process of bringing the final design together was easier or harder. And sometimes when a puzzle was really hard, I had to take a look at the box that had a picture of the original design. See, the trick to being a good jigsaw puzzler and finishing faster than anyone else was in the order you placed the pieces you started with and the ability to envision the original design. Get it! Here's another game we used to play.

Have you ever taken a set of dominoes and lined them up one behind the other to make a design or shape and then topple them over. Believe it or not, there are world competitions for the Domino Day World record. The present world record holder has toppled more than 4 million dominos in one design. An amazing feat to be sure, because if even one domino is out of place, the whole design fails! Maybe now you're starting to get the picture. Things usually end as planned when the order is right, but usually end wrong & are made more difficult when the right order isn't followed. The same is true in marriage.

So many times during facilitation sessions, we find couples who'd gotten married 'out of order'. You see, God created marriage. To operate within it, you must understand His original design & intent. To try to use it in any other way is to continue to make things more difficult, if not impossible for yourself, your spouse, and your children. But for those who are already going through the fire of a bad marriage, I have great news! If you both want it, your marriage can be saved. You see, God wants you to succeed! And if you can come into 'real' agreement on the following three things, you'll begin to put things back in order and start to see an immediate positive change in your marriage & your family.

First, recommit yourselves to making Jesus Christ Lord over your lives. So many times we cling onto the notion of Jesus being our 'friend' but not our 'Lord'. See, we can say 'no' to our friends. We can refuse a request from our friends. But when we make Christ our 'Lord', He can 'demand' that we work in areas of our marriage that we are uncomfortable in. Areas where 'we' have failed and that we must admit openly. When He is our true Lord, He can demand that we work & we must obey. Because to get things back on track, it will require us to work on ourselves as well as work by our spouse. We must allow Jesus Christ to be Lord of us as individuals as well as Lord of our marriage!

Secondly, start a true prayer life. Even moreso & get this...start one with your spouse also! It's hard to continue to be mad, fake, or insincere with someone who you 'hear' praying for your good, for your well-being, and for your divine protection. And it's hard to continue praying for someone who you are continually mad at, dissappointed in, or feel you no longer love without at some point wanting your own attitude toward them to change. But if you will commit to doing it no matter what you 'feel' like, you will begin to see God change your own heart and mend those things which you thought could not be mended.

Lastly, change how you talk to your spouse no matter what! What we say to one another has such an impact that it cannot truly be put into words. The Word of God says that 'Death and Life are in the power of the tongue'. That scripture has so many implications that it's impossible for me to go into it here. Suffice it to say, miracles happen everyday in marriages when someone decides to 'speak a thing' that doesn't seem to exist in their marriage, into existence. One of the most powerful tools we have in our relationships is what we 'say' to one another.

These steps are just the beginnings of turning a bad marriage around, but believe me when I say that doing them can change your world! They will be hard to do and that's no doubt! But they are life changing. Remember....everything works better when they're put together in the right order. I'll leave you with this seemingly rhetorical question that only you can answer. Did you start your marriage with the right order? If not, what are you going to do about it?! Live Blessed and Much Love!
---Rev
Sons & Daughters of The King!

MARITAL NEAR-SIGHTEDNESS: Using The Eyeglasses of Faith!

“Why is it so hard for me to see this last set of silhouettes”, I said to myself, trying to refocus my already watering eyes. I was on the M16 rifle range in Fort Sill, Oklahoma trying to qualify as a ‘sharpshooter’ on the range during Army Basic Training. I had already qualified as a ‘marksman’ but I wanted to have the expert or at least the sharpshooter badge on my uniform. But now I was having trouble ‘seeing the target’. The watery eyes from the strain of focusing, the glare from the sun, even the wind were all distractions. I couldn’t get a good sense of the target. “Blam!...Blam!…Blam! I fired off my last three rounds in disgust. Marksman again. Thank God it was only another practice run. But the real deal would be upon me at midweek. “I hope they’re in by then”, I said.

I’d mastered & excelled in every task in BT (Basic Training) and was recognized as a leader by the entire cadre. The range, however, was really kicking my butt and I didn’t really know why. I had always been a pretty good shot with most any kind of weapon. I’d already gone to my friends and asked them if they’d had trouble seeing the 300m target. They said that they didn’t have trouble seeing it…just trouble hitting the darn thing! Then they came in.

I’d taken an eye exam during entry and although I passed the exam, my Drill Sergeant suggested that I get my eyes checked again since I was having so much trouble with the 300m target. I did. They said I was slightly near-sighted and prescribed me military issue eyewear. Man they were ugly! But Wednesday, when we went to the range to qualify…WOW! It was as if I had never truly seen anything. Everything was so crystal clear and sharp. And everything looked a little bit…closer! Well needless to say I did make sharpshooter and missed making expert by one shot! And I’ll never forget that lesson. Every goal looks clearer, closer and attainable with the right ‘glasses’ on.

In a lot of marriage counseling sessions, we have people who will come in and say, ‘I just don’t ‘see’ how our marriage is going to work out. I don’t ‘see’ how anything is going to change.’ And let’s be real for a minute here. If a person can’t 'see' a better future for their marriage, how can they move toward a better future? Have you ever entered an unfamiliar room and as you entered it, the lights went out? What’s the first thing you did? I’d bet a paycheck, you stopped dead in your tracks, didn’t you?! Without a clear vision of where they’re going, people usually will refuse to move forward in anything or toward any goal. And if the room stays dark or fuzzy long enough, they will usually want to leave that room for one that’s not so ‘sight-challenged’. This is true even if the room has everything in it that they need to be successful. It is the same within a marriage. If a spouse feels the present status of their marriage is one of darkness, despair, depression, arguments & disagreements, selfishness & self-centeredness, they will refuse to go forward & most likely want to exit the marriage. However the bible instructs us all that, as children of the Most High, to use a different kind of 'sight' by which we 'move! (2 Cor 5:7)' We need to ‘see’ our marriages through a new set of ‘glasses’. And the ‘glasses’ that God has issued to us and to ‘you’ are the eyeglasses of ‘Faith’! You need to see your marriage not as it is, but as God says He can make it! If only you would come into agreement with Him on it! God wants you to be successful in everything you do! You must believe that this includes your marriage too! You must ‘see’ your marriage’s future the way God wants it to be through faith in Him! Faith is the optical assistance you need to move toward THAT marriage!

The book of Romans has something to say about the 20/20 vision of Faith. Romans 4:17 reminds us that God has the natural ability to ‘call those things that be not, as though they were’. He doesn’t see things as though they were ‘far off & long in coming’ but God calls them as in the ‘Here & Now’. As God’s children, Genesis 1:26-27 says that He made us similar to Him. John 14:12 promises that believers will do the same works, if not greater, than the works of Christ on earth because He goes to the Father and intercedes for us. Got yo’ glasses on yet! We have the same ability if we come into agreement with the Word of God to ‘see’ our future the way God sees it! Stop looking at what it ‘is’ and start calling it what it ‘will be’. Put your faith-glasses on in full effect!

In Isaiah 55:11, God says His Word will not return to Him void (empty, unfulfilled, and unaccomplished) . Speak His Word back to Him and you will begin to ‘see’ a change in your marriage & your family. Mighty Man of Valor, Virtuous Woman of God, Obedient Sons & Daughters of the Royal Priesthood! A peculiar people! Ya’ll feeling me yet! This is what we and our families truly are! Write out His instructions in your heart (study) and watch God make the ‘vision’ plain so that you who ‘see’ it can run with it! And hey, I’ll even kick this one off. If your marriage stinks right now & doesn’t look like things are gonna get any better, we understand! My wife & I have been there before. It took almost eight years in the beginning for the vision we first saw of how our marriage ‘could be’, to arrive. Here was the promise God gave us as we ‘locked’ our faith-glasses on. Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you (Michael & Liz), saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find [me], when ye shall search for me with all your heart. Can you see what He sees now? Now that’s what I call 'hitting the target in the bullseye!' I’ll Holla! Ya’ll holla back! Much Love & Be Blessed. ---Rev.

THE REAL PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE: It's About Them Because It's About Him!

Admit it. You’ve known it all along. You just thought it would be easier to play ignorant rather than face the truth. You got married thinking that it was going to be all about ‘YOU’. Your spouse would love you, cherish you, and take care of all your needs. Before you got married, she did everything you wanted to do without complaint. In fact, it seemed as if it really didn’t matter what the two of you did together, you could do no wrong. That made ‘you’ feel good! ‘She’ made you feel good. You were the center of her world! The same is true for her. Before your marriage, he was the big love of your life. You could talk to him for hours and hours about everything and about nothing. Although you could be a very independent sort of woman, he always paid for everything. He bought things that you needed without you ever saying you needed them! Somehow, although you didn’t need him to do that, it was sweet! He was considerate almost to a fault. You enjoyed that! He was spontaneous, adventurous and caring. He made you feel good whenever you were together. Then came reality.

They don’t spend time with you anymore. They spend too much time with their friends or with the kids. They spend too much time at work, at school, at the mall or even at church. (Believe it or not, too much time at the building called ‘church’ can be a real problem too!) They spend too much time on their car, or on the computer. They don’t take care of me anymore. They don’t take me out anymore! They don’t cook or clean up. They don’t fix things anymore! The list of things that you ‘don’t get’ anymore can be quite exhaustive! All of a sudden, it’s not about you anymore. If you’re going to survive as a couple at all, it’s got to be about them now, not me! It’s all about your spouse! It’s at this moment that a small amount of what I call LLA (Low Level Anger) begins to build. “This is not at all what I signed up for!” SURPRISE!! Well, here’s another surprise just in case it slipped past you too! It’s really not about either of you! It’s really all about Him! It’s all about Jesus Christ!

Paul, in Ephesians 5:22-33, describes the relationship between a husband and wife as a type of the “mysterious’ relationship between Jesus and the Church. To understand these scriptures is to understand the real purpose of marriage. The ultimate purpose of marriage is to bring Glory to God! Everything we do within our marriage must be governed by this fact. Just as a fine piece of artwork brings prestige, fame and honor to the painter or sculptor who created it, a great marriage, including the family members that spring forth from it, brings Glory and Honor to the One who created marriage. But how does one ‘have’ a great marriage. It is hard to believe that one would consider their marriage ‘great’ if they are doing all the ‘giving’.

The Word of God doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to our marital responsibilities. Even scriptures that don’t refer directly to your spouse, refer to them indirectly because if you should ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, who could be a closer neighbor than your husband or wife? You get the point! In almost every phrase it directs us to love the other person, despite what they may be doing wrong. Forgive them, pray for them, take care of them, live chaste in front of them despite them, love them as yourself, honor them as joint heirs, submit to each other, and the list goes on and on. God wants us to honor our promises to our spouse in spite of how well they are fulfilling their part. But God understands us thoroughly. He knows that our selfish natures coupled with our ability to ‘make our own decisions’ causes selflessness to be a constant ‘work in progress’ for us. However, the point we so often miss is that when we do what He requires of us in our marriage, God is honored and thus, honors our requests and needs especially when our spouse doesn’t reciprocate our efforts.

So often, we pray for God to change our spouse when we ourselves have not submitted to Gods Ways. But God has promised us that ‘If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to the prayer offered in this place’ [2Chron 7:14-15]. In other words, God promises that He will pay close attention to hear our prayers of unmet needs and heal our lands (marriages, families, households) when we humble ourselves, repent from our selfish ways, and seek His Will and Way.

It is God (His Word, His Spirit, and His Love) who can change the hearts and minds of our spouses, not us! When God’s love travels through us to our spouse, great things can happen in our marriage. But it must first start with us! Ask yourself a very honest but very hard question. What things are “you” willing to do, endure, and change about yourself so that God will be glorified in your marriage? The question is independent of what you think you’ve already done to sustain it. Do you think God is pleased with your answer? If your present marriage is already having a problem in this area, especially if you’ve been married before, it may be long over due for you to re-evaluate your whole way of approaching, thinking and operating within the realm of marriage. Is the way you treat your spouse bringing Glory to Christ? Is the Salvation that Christ has brought into your life worth a change in your thinking and behavior towards your spouse? As God has put it in His Word, ‘Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.’[Isaiah 1:18]. In my words…Can we talk? Until next time, Much Love & Be Blessed.
---Rev.

OUTRAGEOUS COMMITMENT [Part III] Getting The 'Yoke' Right!

How would you know what your parents expected of you if they never told you? How about if you had questions and never asked? God has left us His Word so that we may ‘know’ what is expected of us and the Holy Spirit so that we may begin to spend quality time with Him. By having this type of very intimate relationship with Him we learn what it really means to make, keep, or even break our promises to Him.

Hopefully, since reading parts I & II, the light is slowly starting to come on that our first and foremost commitment is to learn Gods expectations of us through the study of His Word and the creation of a real, heartfelt relationship with Him through prayer and obedience. If you haven't read the previous 'posts', go back and read them now and then return.

Let’s stop right here for a moment. I know what you’re thinking by now. You’ve been thinking it since you started reading Part I. ‘I don’t care what you say Rev, my mama didn't raise no fools and God gave me five senses! I’m not staying with any man or woman who’s beating me, verbally and emotional abusing me, stealing my money, hooked on drugs and alcohol, abusing my kids, and just robbed the local liquor store.’ Although 'separation' may be the immediate choice and divorce may be the majority's obvious answer, most sound Christian marriage facilitators, while helping solve immediate needs (spiritual, food, clothing, safe shelter), will not presume to tell you whether or not to divorce in such extreme cases. True Christians understand that God still can and often still does 'fix the impossible!' What a spouse finally decides to do in those situations is totally within the realm between them and God. But what about those situations that don't seem 'as extreme'. What about the spouse who won’t communicate, isn’t affectionate, is never wrong, won’t compromise, and is lazy and selfish. These are personal traits that, while often more subtle, can kill a marriage just as dead. What may, at some point, need to be more closely scrutinized is how you found yourself in a relationship with this kind of person in the first place. How did you become 'unevenly yoked' with someone who seemed to have all the right traits, but later proved to possess none of the characteristics and standards you were really looking for or needed?

The next statement usually causes instant denial and immediate anger. Try as best you can to be very honest with yourself as the next observational statements are made. Put away all the excuses about how they tricked you in the beginning. Do away with the old clichés of ‘If only I’d known who they truly were!’ In all the years that I’ve been involved in marital and pre-marital Christian facilitation & counseling, I’ve found one constant. You knew who you were marrying! If they were liars…you knew! If they were cheats…you knew! If they hated kids (especially if they didn't like your kids from a previous relationship)....you knew! If they didn’t have a good Christ-life foundation…you knew! If they were undependable, controlling, selfish, lazy, uncommunicative, untrustworthy…you knew! The signs were there. The clues numerous! Maybe it wasn’t a neon sign, but it was plain enough alright. People just can’t continue being fake forever. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but taken as a whole & if given enough time, people will always give you insight into the kind of person they really are! So why did I choose to marry this person in spite of what I knew?

Often, people who marry spouses who have these negative characteristics or personalities knew these things about them but continued a relationship and eventually married them because of background influences in their own lives. Things that have happened either a long time ago or things that have recently occurred. Neglectful parents, dysfunctional sibling relationships, the death of a parent or close family member, or a failed previous relationship make up the short list of provocations that get us into a new relationship that is supposed to fill a ‘void’. We ‘see’ that it probably won’t work. But we choose to ignore the obvious signs because there is a ‘perceived’ greater benefit to move forward. Something in our past influences or motivates us to put ‘blinders’ on. All the ‘red flags’ and warning signs, even if they are sometimes very subtly, are seen and ignored. We conjure excuses for the other person’s behavior or make illogical statements to ourselves that ‘we can change them.’ Silently we feel, ‘we need this relationship to work.’ 'Why do I need this relationship, especially after all I’ve learned and seen?' This is a question that is usually screaming to be answered at the start of all bad relationships. However, we continue to go forward with promises of marital commitments that are obscurely conditional. Promises that we know deep down we won’t keep because we know the other person won't keep up their end of the promise! Promises based on conditions that, when not met, constitute a broken contract that from our viewpoint, we are no longer bound to keep. It is a silent voice. 'I'll stay married to them unless I don't get what I want...what I agreed to. If "For better or for worse" turns out to be for 'worse', then I'm outta here.' We can’t keep our promise of commitment because we don't truly understand what a real marriage, from Gods viewpoint, entails!

The reason we must understand marriage from Gods perspective is because He is the One who created it. (Genesis chptr 2) Just like a good dad uses the bike manufacturers manual to put together his sons bike for Christmas, we need to use Gods manual, the bible, to put together a good marriage. In its truest sense, marriage is about committing to show someone else what it feels like to be loved the way Christ loves us. In reality, we are looking to give away the purest of love to someone who ‘will’ fail to return that love at times, take us for granted, test our patience to its limits, forget about our needs and desires, and think only of themselves for a good portion of the time (Rom 5:8). In this way, we demonstrate Christ’s love and our relationship with Him to our spouses and to others. Going into marriage without knowing this brings about brutal consequences for all involved! Moreover, how can we give something away that we do not possess? How can we demonstrate something that we haven’t experienced? To give this type of love away to someone else, we must first have this type of relationship with Christ ourselves. Wisdom says that if we can choose someone who has a similar understanding and relationship with Christ, the two of us can be evenly yoked! (2 Cor 6:14) Fulfillment first starts with Christ! The best relationships we will ever have will all benefit from this type of start! Commit today to having a 'real & honest' relationship with Christ & trying your very best to doing things His way. Then go back and read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 again line by line! Do you see now that loving someone in this way can only be done through the power of Jesus Christ. To be married to someone is to be committed to God through Christ first! It's His vehicle for this kind of union. He created it! The outrageous committment we seek can be made successfully no other way! Until next time! Be Blessed---Rev

OUTRAGEOUS COMMITMENT [Part II] Do You Really Know What You’re Getting In To?

“Do you really know what we’re getting into?” What I said, and the way I said it, came from a position of frustration. Back in the early 90’s, my wife and I had been ‘renters’ for a few years and had been taken advantage of by most of the people we’d rented from. We decided that it was time to turn the tables on our living situation and with God’s help, become homeowners. So we buckled down, cleaned up our credit histories (boy did we owe a lot of people!), paid everyone off, and went through the home buying process. The task was daunting to say the least! We’d never purchased a home and didn’t have a lot of people we knew or trusted who had. There were so many forms, approval meetings, time-tables and deadlines that if neglected, cost more money, that the process proved to be overwhelming ….for me that is! You see, once we determined that we were in a good position to start the home buying process, my wife decided (without any conversation about it) that she was going to leave the ‘process’ part of things up to me. “I trust your judgment”, she had said, and then went back to folding clothes. I began to sweat uncontrollably as I looked over the contract and saw all those ‘zeros!’ It’s the most money ‘I’ had ever obligated myself to paying back. That’s when I broke down and blurted out the sentence mentioned at this story’s beginning. Because the matter was so serious for us, yet she’d refused to take the time to read and understand the contractual obligation we were about to enter into, I took her relaxed attitude as her ‘not caring’. Though I didn’t say it, that’s really what I wanted to say! “Do you even care?”

Well, I was wrong about that. As she had stated, she had simply trusted the judgment of the man she married. That is one of the reasons I thank God for her. But the point I’m trying to drive home is that anytime you enter into a serious matter of commitment, you should make every earnest attempt to fully understand who and what you are committing yourself to. Not to do so means you are taking the people involved (this includes you) and the commitment itself, too lightly! It’s even more so with the things of God and this unquestionably includes marriage! Think about it! In considering marriage, 'who is your first commitment to anyway?' Your first commitment within any relationship that leads to marriage must be to God!

Think, for a moment, about whom God is and the seriousness and solemness of any promise you make to Him. Are you taking or have you taken God too lightly? Do you really understand what you’re getting into here? What could be the consequences of breaking your promises to Him? Wait just a minute! Before you reach for the ‘Grace’ balm, please read Romans 6:1-23 and then Acts 5:1-15 in that order. If you are a beginner to studying the bible, try a NLT version of the bible for easier reading. Did you notice that Paul, through God’s Word warns us not to take Gods' ‘Grace’ for granted and that the Holy Spirit even took action against two people who did? ‘Hey…Isn’t this in the ‘New Testament’ when we are supposed to be under ‘Grace’’? Did you truly understand this before reading these passages? Again, I am just asking you to consider who God is and what His views are toward intentional and careless sin. Don’t make the assumption that you can ‘go into marriage’ with a ‘sin now, ask forgiveness later’ type of mentality. Read and spend some time thinking about Deut 23:21-22 and Ecc.5:4-6. Has reading and meditating on any of the aforementioned scriptures shed any light at all on what God really expects from you or the seriousness of your promises to Him?

Promises one may make to a stranger are usually easy to break. Promises made to someone who you are really, really close to are not so easily broken. You can’t pretend you didn’t understand their expectations. You can’t lie and say you didn’t know what it would really mean to them for you to break your promise. You tend to try and keep promises you make to people you are close to and care about and who you know care about you. This should be more the case when the commitments are made to an Almighty God. The question remains; 'How close are you striving to be with God?'

'Have you really spent quality time with God lately?' Have you ever? How about your spouse or spouse-to-be! A quality commitment to a lasting marriage 'can' be made. That commitment can have a real opportunity to succeed. But it all starts with the first commitment. A real commitment to know, love, and obey God first! He doesn’t need perfection. Jesus has already solved that dilemma. What He needs is a commitment with a true heart! See you all next time for Part III. Much love & Be Blessed. ---Rev

OUTRAGEOUS COMMITMENT Part I Making Up Your Mind Now to Make It Last Forever!

In 1519, Hernando Cortes and his 650 men landed on the east coast of Mexico near what is now known as Vera Cruz. He had been sent there because of a reportedly unlimited, but as of yet unseen, supply of gold there. After they were all ashore and the supplies unloaded, Cortes ordered the ships to be burned. The crew went into shock! 'What if there is no gold? How will we return home?' But there would be no returning home. No returning to the familiar. No turning back to what was 'safe' or 'easy'. There would be no changing of the minds. He needed his men focused on the task at hand no matter what lie ahead. He knew there would be hardships and didn't want his men thinking about their easy lives in Spain. The exploration was set! They would succeed or die trying. A commitment to finish the job was now not just another option... It was the only option! As they watched the old ships burn, fear turned into resolve. 'We cannot go back! The line has been drawn starting from these shores!!' In like fashion, God expects us to take the same type of outrageous commitment to our marriage.

Once we enter into it, our minds should be fixed on going forward and doing whatever it takes, within moral, ethical, and legal boundaries, to make our marriage a lasting lifelong commitment. Divorce simply should not be a considered option!

It is an outrageous proposal, to say the least. It does not seem possible to make a lifelong promise to be with someone who is fallible, and at times uncompromising, stubborn, self-centered, overly demanding, egotistical, and unreasonable without having some assurance that ‘if it doesn’t work out I can still get out’! Yet this is the very demand God requires of anyone who is married. He requires us to make an outrageous commitment!

Consider Christ’s own choice for us. If Christ is the bridegroom [Rev 21:9], then we must be His bride. How much Has Christ sacrificed for us, His bride? Romans 5:8 explains that ‘But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us’!
Entering into marriage, He requires the same sort of outrageous, sacrificial commitment from us as well. This is illustrated in Ephesians 5:21-33.

A commitment like this cannot be fulfilled on our own. Consider the original attendees of the very first marriage. There was Adam, the man. There was Eve, the woman. However, the person who gave the invitation, picked the couple who were to be married, and blessed the ceremony, that was God [Gen 2:20-25]. The commitment of a lasting lifelong marriage cannot be made in earnest until you first commit to doing it God’s way. God is the glue between the two of you that makes the two of you become ‘ONE’.