How would you know what your parents expected of you if they never told you? How about if you had questions and never asked? God has left us His Word so that we may ‘know’ what is expected of us and the Holy Spirit so that we may begin to spend quality time with Him. By having this type of very intimate relationship with Him we learn what it really means to make, keep, or even break our promises to Him.Hopefully, since reading parts I & II, the light is slowly starting to come on that our first and foremost commitment is to learn Gods expectations of us through the study of His Word and the creation of a real, heartfelt relationship with Him through prayer and obedience. If you haven't read the previous 'posts', go back and read them now and then return.
Let’s stop right here for a moment. I know what you’re
thinking by now. You’ve been thinking it since you started reading Part I. ‘I don’t care what you say Rev, my mama didn't raise no fools and God gave me five senses! I’m not staying with any man or woman who’s beating me, verbally and emotional abusing me, stealing my money, hooked on drugs and alcohol, abusing my kids, and just robbed the local liquor store.’ Although 'separation' may be the immediate choice and divorce may be the majority's obvious answer, most sound Christian marriage facilitators, while helping solve immediate needs (spiritual, food, clothing, safe shelter), will not presume to tell you whether or not to divorce in such extreme cases. True Christians understand that God still can and often still does 'fix the impossible!' What a spouse finally decides to do in those situations is totally within the realm between them and God. But what about those situations that don't seem 'as extreme'. What about the spouse who won’t communicate, isn’t affectionate, is never wrong, won’t compromise, and is lazy and selfish. These are personal traits that, while often more subtle, can kill a marriage just as dead. What may, at some point, need to be more closely scrutinized is how you found yourself in a relationship with this kind of person in the first place. How did you become 'unevenly yoked' with someone who seemed to have all the right traits, but later proved to possess none of the characteristics and standards you were really looking for or needed?
The next statement usually causes instant denial and immediate anger. Try as best you can to be very honest with yourself as the next observational statements are made. Put away all the excuses about how they tricked you in the beginning. Do away with the old clichés of ‘If only I’d known who they truly were!’ In all the years that I’ve been involved in marital and pre-marital Christian facilitation & counseling, I’ve found one constant. You knew who you were marrying! If they were liars…you knew! If they were cheats…you knew! If they hated kids (especially if they didn't like your kids from a previous relationship)....you knew! If they didn’t have a good Christ-life foundation…you knew! If they were undependable, controlling, selfish, lazy, uncommunicative, untrustworthy…you knew! The signs were there. The clues numerous! Maybe it wasn’t a neon sign, but it was plain enough alright. People just can’t continue being fake forever. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but taken as a whole & if given enough time, people will always give you insight into the kind of person they really are! So why did I choose to marry this person in spite of what I knew?Often, people who marry spouses who have these negative characteristics or personalities knew these things about them but continued a relationship and eventually married them because of background influences in their own lives. Things that have happened either a long time ago or things that have recently occurred. Neglectful parents, dysfunctional sibling relationships, the death of a parent or close family member, or a failed previous relationship make up the short list of provocations that get us into a new relationship that is supposed to fill a ‘void’. We ‘see’ that it probably won’t work. But we choose to ignore the obvious signs because there is a ‘perceived’ greater benefit to move forward. Something in our past influences or motivates us to put ‘blinders’ on. All the ‘red flags’ and warning signs, even if they are sometimes very subtly, are seen and ignored. We conjure excuses for the other person’s behavior or make illogical statements to ourselves that ‘we can change them.’ Silently we feel, ‘we need this relationship to work.’ 'Why do I need this relationship, especially after all I’ve learned and seen?' This is a question that is usually screaming to be answered at the start of all bad relationships. However, we continue to go forward with promises of marital commitments that are obscurely conditional. Promises that we know deep down we won’t keep because we know the other person won't keep up their end of the promise! Promises based on conditions that, when not met, constitute a broken contract that from our viewpoint, we are no longer bound to keep. It is a silent voice. 'I'll stay married to them unless I don't get what I want...what I agreed to. If "For better or for worse" turns out to be for 'worse', then I'm outta here.' We can’t keep our promise of commitment because we don't truly understand what a real marriage, from Gods viewpoint, entails!
The reason we must understand marriage from Gods perspective is because He is the One who created it. (Genesis chptr 2) Just like a good dad uses the bike manufacturers manual to put together his sons bike for Christmas, we need to use Gods manual, the bible, to put together a good marriage. In its truest sense, marriage is about committing to show someone else what it feels like to be loved the way Christ loves us. In reality, we are looking to give away the purest of love to someone who ‘will’ fail to return that love at times, take us for granted, test our patience to its limits, forget about our needs and desires, and think only of themselves for a good portion of the time (Rom 5:8). In this way, we demonstrate Christ’s love and our relationship with Him to our spouses and to others. Going into marriage without knowing this brings about brutal consequences for all involved! Moreover, how can we give something away that we do not possess? How can we demonstrate something that we haven’t experienced? To give this type of love away to someone else, we must first have this type of relationship with Christ ourselves. Wisdom says that if we can choose someone who has a similar understanding and relationship with Christ, the two of us can be evenly yoked! (2 Cor 6:14) Fulfillment first starts with Christ! The best relationships we will ever have will all benefit from this type of start!
Commit today to having a 'real & honest' relationship with Christ & trying your very best to doing things His way. Then go back and read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 again line by line! Do you see now that loving someone in this way can only be done through the power of Jesus Christ. To be married to someone is to be committed to God through Christ first! It's His vehicle for this kind of union. He created it! The outrageous committment we seek can be made successfully no other way! Until next time! Be Blessed---Rev
